Communicating to connect

Take Home Points:

Definitions and Quotes by Dr. Brene Brown

Connection: The energy that exists between people when they feel seen, heard, and valued; when they can give and receive without judgment; and when they derive sustenance and strength from the relationship.

Vulnerability: Uncertainty, risk and emotional exposure “Vulnerability is the first thing I look for in you, but the last thing I want you to see in me. In you it’s courage, in me it’s inadequacy. In you it’s strength and lovability, in me it’s shame.”

**In order to connect through communication we must be willing to allow ourselves to be truly and deeply seen and heard.

Starting Point: **Emotional Discontent or Upset**

1. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.

Allowing 2 things to happen:

• Your HRV (Heart Rate Variability} to shift from incoherent to coherent wave pattern (shifting your emotional state and in turn the energy you are emitting)

• The blood to return from your limbic region and brain stem back to._ your Pre-frontal Cortex (your upstairs brain or your “right mind”}

2. Shift Your Lens

• What is this here to teach me?

• Instead of this being something that “should not” have happened, what if it is an opportunity for me to grow, evolve, progress?

• Quit shoulding all over yourself and everyone else

3. Find YOUR Side of the Street

• What am I feeling? (Name the emotion- hurt, sad, scared, confused, embarrassed, angry, devalued, inadequate, etc.)

• Where is this coming from?

o Is this only coming from the current situation or is it triggering an old wound?

o Have I been here before? More than once?

• **The Universe will continue to provide you with opportunities to learn a lesson over and over until you learn it.

o What shadows are showing up?

• What is being asked of me?

o Does something need to be healed (at a new level)?

o Which aspects of my character am I being asked to develop?

o Am I being asked to face a fear?

o Am I being asked to face some hard truths about me/ my behavior?

o How might I have contributed to the creation of this situation or dynamic?

o Do I need to set a healthy boundary?

o Am I taking adequate care of myself so that I can show up as my best self?

o Can I give myself acceptance, compassion and kindness in this process?

• What is my truth?

o Journaling, talking with a confidant outside of the situationexpress to yourself and practice with a friend you trust by saying what is true for you.

• “I felt irrelevant when he ignored my contribution”

• “I am feeling scared that my job may be in jeopardy”

• “This situation is triggering an old betrayal that I see now needs to be healed”

o Does this truth need to be spoken to the person/situation that triggered it or was it just brought up for me to develop some awareness within myself?

4. Name the Other Perspectives

• Do you want to be right, or do you want to be happy? (You can’t always be both)

• How might the other person be feeling and why?

o If they hurt or wronged you, can you see where they were acting from. their own shadows and old unhealed wounds?

o You don’t have to condone their actions to have compassion for them

5. Share Your Truth

• “Don’t shrink, don’t puff up, just stand your sacred ground” (Brene Brown’s Mantra)

o Shrink: To become a pleaser or to act like you’re not good enough to feel or act small, to not stand up for yourself

o Puff Up: To become arrogant, entitled, defensive, to blame

o Standing Your Sacred Ground: Honoring yourself, your light, your truth, your part in the situation, your feelings-authentically, honestly, & vulnerably (allowing yourself to be heard and seen but without being trampled on)

• Say what you mean, but don’t say it mean-remember this is about progress, growth, and connection-that’s the ultimate goal-not about being right or placing blame!

• You cannot control the outcome or the other person’s reaction-all you can control is YOU- Your process, your words, your actions, your truth. What the other party does with it, is not yours.

• listen to understand … not to reply

• You are responsible for the energy you bring into this space!

o Heartmath.org

o The words you say (even if they are kind) will not matter if the underlying emotion you feel is a mismatch- like anger or resentment or shame, etc.

o Take time to cultivate the emotions that will facilitate connection, healing and growth