Take Home Points:
Definitions and Quotes by Dr. Brene Brown
Connection: The energy that exists between people when they feel seen, heard, and valued; when they can give and receive without judgment; and when they derive sustenance and strength from the relationship.
Vulnerability: Uncertainty, risk and emotional exposure “Vulnerability is the first thing I look for in you, but the last thing I want you to see in me. In you it’s courage, in me it’s inadequacy. In you it’s strength and lovability, in me it’s shame.”
**In order to connect through communication we must be willing to allow ourselves to be truly and deeply seen and heard.
Starting Point: **Emotional Discontent or Upset**
1. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Allowing 2 things to happen:
• Your HRV (Heart Rate Variability} to shift from incoherent to coherent wave pattern (shifting your emotional state and in turn the energy you are emitting)
• The blood to return from your limbic region and brain stem back to._ your Pre-frontal Cortex (your upstairs brain or your “right mind”}
2. Shift Your Lens
• What is this here to teach me?
• Instead of this being something that “should not” have happened, what if it is an opportunity for me to grow, evolve, progress?
• Quit shoulding all over yourself and everyone else
3. Find YOUR Side of the Street
• What am I feeling? (Name the emotion- hurt, sad, scared, confused, embarrassed, angry, devalued, inadequate, etc.)
• Where is this coming from?
o Is this only coming from the current situation or is it triggering an old wound?
o Have I been here before? More than once?
• **The Universe will continue to provide you with opportunities to learn a lesson over and over until you learn it.
o What shadows are showing up?
• What is being asked of me?
o Does something need to be healed (at a new level)?
o Which aspects of my character am I being asked to develop?
o Am I being asked to face a fear?
o Am I being asked to face some hard truths about me/ my behavior?
o How might I have contributed to the creation of this situation or dynamic?
o Do I need to set a healthy boundary?
o Am I taking adequate care of myself so that I can show up as my best self?
o Can I give myself acceptance, compassion and kindness in this process?
• What is my truth?
o Journaling, talking with a confidant outside of the situation– express to yourself and practice with a friend you trust by saying what is true for you.
• “I felt irrelevant when he ignored my contribution”
• “I am feeling scared that my job may be in jeopardy”
• “This situation is triggering an old betrayal that I see now needs to be healed”
o Does this truth need to be spoken to the person/situation that triggered it or was it just brought up for me to develop some awareness within myself?
4. Name the Other Perspectives
• Do you want to be right, or do you want to be happy? (You can’t always be both)
• How might the other person be feeling and why?
o If they hurt or wronged you, can you see where they were acting from. their own shadows and old unhealed wounds?
o You don’t have to condone their actions to have compassion for them
5. Share Your Truth
• “Don’t shrink, don’t puff up, just stand your sacred ground” (Brene Brown’s Mantra)
o Shrink: To become a pleaser or to act like you’re not good enough to feel or act small, to not stand up for yourself
o Puff Up: To become arrogant, entitled, defensive, to blame
o Standing Your Sacred Ground: Honoring yourself, your light, your truth, your part in the situation, your feelings-authentically, honestly, & vulnerably (allowing yourself to be heard and seen but without being trampled on)
• Say what you mean, but don’t say it mean-remember this is about progress, growth, and connection-that’s the ultimate goal-not about being right or placing blame!
• You cannot control the outcome or the other person’s reaction-all you can control is YOU- Your process, your words, your actions, your truth. What the other party does with it, is not yours.
• listen to understand … not to reply
• You are responsible for the energy you bring into this space!
o The words you say (even if they are kind) will not matter if the underlying emotion you feel is a mismatch- like anger or resentment or shame, etc.
o Take time to cultivate the emotions that will facilitate connection, healing and growth