Communicating to connect

Take Home Points:

Definitions and Quotes by Dr. Brene Brown

Connection: The energy that exists between people when they feel seen, heard, and valued; when they can give and receive without judgment; and when they derive sustenance and strength from the relationship.

Vulnerability: Uncertainty, risk and emotional exposure “Vulnerability is the first thing I look for in you, but the last thing I want you to see in me. In you it’s courage, in me it’s inadequacy. In you it’s strength and lovability, in me it’s shame.”

**In order to connect through communication we must be willing to allow ourselves to be truly and deeply seen and heard.

Starting Point: **Emotional Discontent or Upset**

1. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.

Allowing 2 things to happen:

• Your HRV (Heart Rate Variability} to shift from incoherent to coherent wave pattern (shifting your emotional state and in turn the energy you are emitting)

• The blood to return from your limbic region and brain stem back to._ your Pre-frontal Cortex (your upstairs brain or your “right mind”}

2. Shift Your Lens

• What is this here to teach me?

• Instead of this being something that “should not” have happened, what if it is an opportunity for me to grow, evolve, progress?

• Quit shoulding all over yourself and everyone else

3. Find YOUR Side of the Street

• What am I feeling? (Name the emotion- hurt, sad, scared, confused, embarrassed, angry, devalued, inadequate, etc.)

• Where is this coming from?

o Is this only coming from the current situation or is it triggering an old wound?

o Have I been here before? More than once?

• **The Universe will continue to provide you with opportunities to learn a lesson over and over until you learn it.

o What shadows are showing up?

• What is being asked of me?

o Does something need to be healed (at a new level)?

o Which aspects of my character am I being asked to develop?

o Am I being asked to face a fear?

o Am I being asked to face some hard truths about me/ my behavior?

o How might I have contributed to the creation of this situation or dynamic?

o Do I need to set a healthy boundary?

o Am I taking adequate care of myself so that I can show up as my best self?

o Can I give myself acceptance, compassion and kindness in this process?

• What is my truth?

o Journaling, talking with a confidant outside of the situationexpress to yourself and practice with a friend you trust by saying what is true for you.

• “I felt irrelevant when he ignored my contribution”

• “I am feeling scared that my job may be in jeopardy”

• “This situation is triggering an old betrayal that I see now needs to be healed”

o Does this truth need to be spoken to the person/situation that triggered it or was it just brought up for me to develop some awareness within myself?

4. Name the Other Perspectives

• Do you want to be right, or do you want to be happy? (You can’t always be both)

• How might the other person be feeling and why?

o If they hurt or wronged you, can you see where they were acting from. their own shadows and old unhealed wounds?

o You don’t have to condone their actions to have compassion for them

5. Share Your Truth

• “Don’t shrink, don’t puff up, just stand your sacred ground” (Brene Brown’s Mantra)

o Shrink: To become a pleaser or to act like you’re not good enough to feel or act small, to not stand up for yourself

o Puff Up: To become arrogant, entitled, defensive, to blame

o Standing Your Sacred Ground: Honoring yourself, your light, your truth, your part in the situation, your feelings-authentically, honestly, & vulnerably (allowing yourself to be heard and seen but without being trampled on)

• Say what you mean, but don’t say it mean-remember this is about progress, growth, and connection-that’s the ultimate goal-not about being right or placing blame!

• You cannot control the outcome or the other person’s reaction-all you can control is YOU- Your process, your words, your actions, your truth. What the other party does with it, is not yours.

• listen to understand … not to reply

• You are responsible for the energy you bring into this space!


o The words you say (even if they are kind) will not matter if the underlying emotion you feel is a mismatch- like anger or resentment or shame, etc.

o Take time to cultivate the emotions that will facilitate connection, healing and growth

Virginia Minor to be inducted into the Hall of Famous Missourians

Virginia Minor will be inducted into the Hall of Famous Missourians at the Missouri State Capitol, Jefferson City, on September 10, 2014.  She is the first woman to receive this distinguished honor.

Several attendees at the BWM Legislative Conference 2014 signed a petition circulated by Mary Mosley, Legislative Vice Chair of the Missouri State Women’s Political Caucus, in support of the induction. 

Four top tips on leading your team

1. Set ground rules and foundations

Get the team together to set ground rules and foundations. These should include: how everyone’s role interrelates; who has decision-making authority and to what level; the current priorities of the team; when and how you’ll communicate with them. Each person has a different style of leadership and what works for one leader will not work for the other, so be clear and communicate your approach from the outset.

2.  Measure the skills gap in your team

You may find it useful to do a skills analysis on your team to identify any gaps. By identifying these, you can develop team members to endure they have all the skills required to carry out the job and alleviate any weaknesses that could buckle under the pressure of increased workload.

3. Monitor performance

When you have identified the skills gap and where your team needs stretching and developing, it is important to set them goals and monitor changes in their performance. This will allow you to spot trouble zones early and, if dealt with correctly, keep your team on the path to excellent performance.

4. Learn to Delegate

Delegation is the only path to growth: growth of the business through more people carrying out more task; growth of you as a leader by removing yourself from the doing activities, allowing you to focus on creating the strategy and vision; and growth of your reports by stretching their comfort zones and abilities.

Delegation is a key skill in leadership and, if handled well, can send you and your team soaring. Handled badly, however, it can leave both parties sore.

Tips to develop your leadership qualities

1. Get a mentor

One of the best ways to get to know yourself is by having a mentor. Mentoring is a continual process of enabling people to reach higher levels of performance and achievement. If you don’t already have a mentor, now is the time- whatever stage you are at in your career. As every woman Club member Avril Owton MBE, owner of Cloud Hotel, says in the every woman Navigator:

When I took over the hotel, I didn’t have a clue about how to run a business – I didn’t know a bottom line from a chorus line. I overcame my fear, looking back, I wish I had a mentor.

2. Develop your confidence

Being confident is one of the traits that will be key to your success as a leader. Confidence is like a muscle; it has to be exercised to remain strong and steady. We all have moments when our confidence blossoms equally, we know when we lack confidence. Having a strategy to manage those moments can minimize their impact on you and those around you.

3. Regularly audit your skills 

Whether you’re looking to move into a position of leadership or you’re already in one, it is important that you understand the skills you need to carry out the role, your strengths and the areas you need to improve or develop. Don’t just consider your current role – think about the moves you wish to make in the future and the skills you can start building in readiness.

4.  Learn how to manage your emotions

The way you react to situations will impact on the perception people have of you. The ability to name and analyze your emotional response is the first step to managing them and using them to your advantage. That is not to say you will want to put a voice to all of your emotions, but recognizing that a person, a situation or task is evoking an emotional response allows you to have an objective internal conversation about why and what can be done to resolve the issue.

When you are a leader it doesn’t matter however successful you become, you are only as good as your team. Whether you recruited your key players or inherited them, they are crucial to your success.

A thriving team, where employees are satisfied and engaged in creating a future for themselves and the business, will demonstrate 16% better overall performance, according to recent research by the Ross School of Business’s Centre for Positive Organizational Scholarship.

Remember, you are only as good as your team.

Top Ten Ways to Inspire Others to Be Their Best

We all know people who are inspiring. But just how does one inspire others? Here are ten simple ways you can inspire people to be their best:

1. Be a good example. People watch what you do more than they listen to what you say. Be someone worth emulating.

2. Care about others. People don’t care about how much you know until they know how much you care. Ask questions. Take a genuine interest in people.

3. Encouragement. Everyone goes through tough times. When you support people and encourage them through these times, you’ll be inspiring them to see the best in themselves and in the situation.

4. Be inspired yourself. Look for people, ideas, environments and knowledge that you find inspiring and motivating.

5. Share from your own experience. You have more to share than you realize. Mine the rich experiences of your life and share your wisdom from your unique point of view. You may be the only one who can touch someone with your inspiring message.

6. Be vulnerable. Be willing to share your failures as well as your successes. Others will relate to you. They’ll understand that they’re not the only ones with challenges.

7. Tell stories. Facts tell and stories sell. They inspire, too. We learn best from parables and we all need to develop our own inspiring stories.

8. Be a good communicator. Increasing your ability to communicate effectively is a critical element for you to inspire others. Watch how you speak and what you say. Invest in your communication skills.

9. Challenge people. Many of us have had teachers who at times seemed more like tormentors than mentors. They challenged us to do our best, and we were better for it. Practice “carefrontation”the careful and caring confrontation of others.

10. Read. It may not follow that all readers are leaders, but certainly all leaders are readers. Stay informed. Share what you read with others. Tell people about books that have inspired you. Share the knowledge.

© Copyright Success Networks International

How to Inspire Others to Create a Positive and Productive Atmosphere

Edited by Corporate Coach Group, Aya Shelley, BR, Cellogirl and 2 others

Amplify your true self. Being yourself around others is the actually harder than it sounds in today’s incredibly influential landscape. From a young age the media and other influential figures in your life will have attempted to mold you into the same image as everyone else; so standing out and having the strength and courage to be honest with yourself will prove an inspiration to those around you. Showing others that you are not only comfortable with yourself but confident about whom you are is the sign of a great role model.

Care about what you do. Being passionate about your work can provide an example for others to follow. People won’t be able to believe in you until you fully believe in yourself. Employees, co-workers and peers are much more likely to go along with what you tell them to do if you’re actually genuinely invested in it. The more passionate you are about your work then the more likely people are to be inspired by your actions.

Get others involved in your actions. Ensuring people know that you care about them is a great way to inspire them. They’ll be much happier to invest their trust and time in you if you show genuine interest in what they do and how they feel. Just taking a small part of your day out to talk and listen to other people can help maintain a positive atmosphere.

Communicate positively with the people in your life. Avoid using negative and insulting language around people; remember that you’re conversing with someone, not talking at them. Even when you’re disciplining individuals, learn to use constructive criticism instead of putting people down negatively. Listen to what people have to say and compliment them when good work is done. It’s easy to criticize negative actions but things go right every day and shouldn’t be overlooked.

Determine a plan to achieve. Identify what factors people are failing at and try to remedy the situations positively. lf they are looking to coast through without any kind of direction, help them formulate a plan. Things will go wrong and people will fail at times, but constructing a plan of action will at least help you and everyone else to prepare for any challenges that may arise.

Recognize your weaknesses. Whilst identifying and acting upon your strongest points are great ways to get people stimulated, it’s also important to remind everyone that you also have your own set of weaknesses. Showing people how you overcome and deal with these weaknesses is a great way to connect with them professionally and emotionally. People will find it easier to relate to your vulnerability, as this will help them understand that everyone must overcome their own challenges.

Dare to Inspire and Be Inspired

From the beginning of life, we face many challenges.

At first we are dependent on help.

Gradually, we gain independence.

We learn to talk, walk and to cope with dangers.

As we grow older and face new unknowns, we start to dream.

We set goals and aspire to achieve greatness.

How will we achieve these goals?

We pay attention to the lifestyle of successful people.

We are inspired by their positive spirit .

Their happiness and self assurance motivates us.

Their actions are dependent on positive energy; no time for the negative.

Successful people have no time for self centered egotistical intentions.

They are driven by a Divine Power and a daily focus on WE, not ME.

Self-confident individuals display a calming serenity, no anxiety;

Their positive spirit allows them to control their lives.

There is no mention of personal glory; no attention to what “I have done.“

Their aim is to work as a team focused on a designated goal.

Concentrated efforts result in achievement of the goal; the team wins!

Dare to be a dreamer who is INSPIRED by success AND

Our achievements will be measured by our belief in the concept:

“Dare to Inspire and Be Inspired”


*Written by Past State President Betty J. Beason

To honor Sherry Rolen,
2014-15 President of Business Women of Missouri